You Want Me To What?
by seventhSINwrath
Summary: Crack Fic. Slash. Femslash. Threesomes. More-somes. Not to be taken Sirius-ly! ;p. Remus and Sirius ask Harry to do something he doesn't want to do.........warning, may contain pet rocks. Implied Sex. Perverts.


You Want Me To What........?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but most of the HP fandom males (and some other fandom males) do, I am simply pimpinmg him out...for free. Yay! ;p

Warning: Slash, Fem-slash, Complete mockery of the Harry Potter Books.

Summery: Harry Potter Characters on crack and sugar highs.

Prompt: _**You want me to what!?**_

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Want Me To What.......?

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Silence hung in the air thickly, leaving an awkward (although highly comical) atmosphere for the three males. The silence was broken, however, when an emerald eyed, ebony-haired teen opened his mouth, his face a mixture of horror and disbelief and slight suspicion. The two men in front of him, Remus Lupin and his mate Sirius Black, shifted from foot to foot unsurely in front of the irritated teen, and Remus was reminded of all the times he watched Sirius and James do the same in front of a pissed of McGonagal (or Lily Rosalie Potter-Evans—wow thats a long name). Sirius let out a nervous laugh, slowly moving behind Remus.

"You........want........ me......to.....what?"

Harry breathed, his voice slightly threatening, wishing to every God, Goddess and narcissistic, aristocratic pureblood he knew ( and some made up ones) that he was hearing things. Praying that a Bogart decided to play a trick on him and play out his worst nightmare (Voldemort and the singing, pink Valentines day cards of doom forgotten), or that a nyedorii (or what ever Luna called them) decided to take over his being and screw with his senses.

Anything...........**Anything **but what he thought he heard the two _blurt_ out (because Sirius's balls were hanging above Tonks's bed, from when she found out that Sirius was doing her husband...and that her husband was cheating on her), and Remus....well, Remus was smart enough to know that pissing off Harry _Bloody Fucking _Potter wasn't a good idea.

Reason? Everyone who pissed him off, or mildly irritated him, are all dead. Bellatrix Lestrange. Lucius Malfoy. Voldemort. Barney. The Tooth Fairy. The kids from the Trix Rabbit commercials ( _Stupid kids, just give the god d*** mother f**** rabbit the fu***** cereal already!). _And finally the pizza guy ( he wasn't a girl dammit!).

"Well, Harry, cub....."

Remus began, only to be given a harsh glare from irritated emerald eyes that silently urged him to continue before his 'little (cough__huge__cough) Remus' was added to Tonks's much beloved 'wall of trophies' ( she really meant it when she said the next person who called her Nymphadora would lose their most precious possession...poor, poor, poor Dobby.....and Fred and George...and Seamus....and Dumbledore....and poor, poor, poor Easter Bunny....and poor, poor Santa Clause).  
He gulped, sending his mate a desperate look only for it to turn into a glare when he spotted his _supposedly_ Gryfindor mate turn into a dog and make his way, slowly and with his tail between his legs, to nuzzle Harry pathetically.

"Damn coward."

Remus muttered before sighing and turning once again to an impatient Harry.

"Harry....Gildroy Lockheart, your old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, has his memories back and was discharged from St. Mungos, you know?"

He began slowly. Harry nodded stiffly: secretly, or not so secretly, he had wanted the blond haired bastard to stay their forever and never regain his memories ( Hermione would later scold him before agreeing).

"Well, Dumbledore is letting him stay here until his home is fixed...it was destroyed in the final battle, you know.....and he hasn't got much money......"

He continued, wincing when he received a '_so what_' look from his godson. Sirius whined, nuzzling Harry, trying in vain to calm him, and rubbing his head against Harry's hand like an attention starved cat. Remus inwardly snickered at how Sirius would react when he told the feline hater he just compared him to a cat......_hm._

_Sirius was splayed out on a silk covered bed, arching his back wearing nothing but a pair of silver cat ears and a fluffy silver tail with a black leather color wrapped snuggly around his neck bearing the words __**'Property of Remus Lupin'**__, slowly and lazily licking cherry red lips that begged to be ravished, looking at him through thick ebony lashes and smiling innocently...._

_  
_Only to be snapped out of his daydream. Wiping the drool that had accumulated at the corners of his mouth, and adding a mental note to beg Tonks to let him borrow her 'Super Kitty Costume' ( and later her French maid outfit), Remus turned back to a glaring Harry and suffocating Sirius ( who was being chocked while he daydreamed).

"_**And?**_"

"And well...."

He began sheepishly, smiling nervously at Harry who glowered at him in return.

"..._Dumbledoresortofsaidthathecouldstayinyourroomforacoupledaysweeksmonthsmaybeyear_."

He blurted out. Harry frowned, mentally rewinding what he said and playing it slower so he could understand the werewolf's jumbled words. When the meaning of said words finally uncovered themselves, he seethed, glaring at the chair that Remus had put in front of himself (which burst into flames and ran out the room, crying).

"_**HE WHAT!**_"

Remus epped, hiding behind the now trembling couch before Harry decided to set him on fire...or worse, melt his beloved chocolate..._mm.._ fresh baked triple chocolate chip chocolate with dark chocolate filling...

"Dumbledore sort of said Gildroy could stay in your room until his home was fixed since Hermione, Ginny, and Tonks have the second room (threesome....who would have guessed), Sirius and I have Sirius's old room, Regulus's room is being invaded by evil monkeys, Snape has the potions lab and room above it, Albus is keeping an army of sporks in the sixth, and because the other four rooms are being held hostage by Draco who demands a helicopter, you as his wife, and a pink, fluffy unicorn and a magical yarn ball, and Blaise who wants a pet magical carrot for his pet rock, for his pet chocolate bar, which he ate and replaced with a pet plastic toad, for his wife which so happens to be a Harry Potter doll in a French maid's uniform."

Remus explained in one breath and gasping for air when he was done.

"What about the other rooms than?"

Harry asked in irritation. There were, what, nine other rooms, right?

"Um, well...Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom are coming to visit and they each want a separate room for them and for their pet rocks, Seamus Finnigan demanded a room for him and his pet boulder, Dean Thomas has dibbs on the room next to Seamus so he can peak in on him, and Blaise has dibbs on the room next to both so he can make porn videos and sell them to Ginny, Tonks, Hermione, Luna and Pansy Parkinson: who demanded the room next to Luna so she can peak in on her, and the last room is for her pet rock."

Strangling the now purple Sirius, Harry could feel a rick forming on his right eyebrow as he glowered at Remus before breathing fire–literally–and letting go of Sirius who turned back to his original form and gasped for air. Both males ignored the Black heir, who ran and hide behind Remus, as Harry seethed.

"First off, what's with a the damn pet rocks!?"

Harry snapped, seething inwardly and outwardly.

"Erm, the twins opened up a pet rock store?"

Calming down slightly, Harry rolled his eyes. He should have guessed.

"Draco does realize I'm male right...so I can't be his wife...not that I'd want to be (shifty eyes). And why the hell are all of them here to begin with anyway? And why my room?!"

"Because, Har-Bear, 'Mione, Tonks and I are getting married here in a week, and their guests.....of course Draco knows you're male, the guy practically _screams _'I'm gay', but you **would** look cute in a weeding dress, don't ya think?.........I didn't ask Blaise because he's a little _woooo_ if you know what I mean. Oh, and Gildroy asked to stay with you because you're the most sane one of us and are most likely to _not_ kill him...because you'll be spending to much time trying to avoid him."

Ginny supplied helpfully from her spot on the love seat, sipping a crystal goblet of red wine and reading a magazine that read '_**Hot Hot Hot Male Sex!**_' in bold colors on the top followed by **'Created By: Blaise Zabini'**. Sirius and Remus shot her looks as if she just killed their puppies...or chocolate bars in Remus's sake...before slowly turning to Harry.................................................

................who was _smiling!?_

_  
_Harry turned to them, all anger gone as he smiled innocently.

"Why didn't you just tell me that earlier?"

And they sweat dropped as he skipped over to Ginny before both of them skipped over to Ron, pelting him with popcorn as he started, gapping, at the Wedding invitation that clearly read:

_Ginny & Tonks & Hermione_

_Bring lot's of male on male porn (Preferably **Hot, Hot, Hot Male Sex **by **Blaise Zabini**)_

_People must be nude...Pet rocks must be in tuxes_

_There will be free beer_

_No chocolate bars allowed in chapel_

_Vegetables will be executed_

_Dementors are welcome!_

_Don't forget to hug a Death Eater! They need love to (and blowjobs!)_

Both ignoring Draco who started transfixed at Harry's arse and Blaise who literally waltzed by them with his wife/Harry plushie.

And Kretcher was banned from cooking from than on.

_**THE END**_

_OH............. _and Blaise became a world-famous porn star along with his wife (the Harry Potter doll), and their pet rock, Fuzzy Lumbkins.

**END**

**OH**..........and Harry finally got a restraining order on the evil monkey who lived in his closet (who moved from Regulus's room), and married Fenrir Grayback and lived happily ever after.....for two weeks until Draco joined and made the twosome a threesome and Harry never slept a full night or sat down without wincing again.

_**ThE eND**_

OH.................and Pansy and Luna finally got married before joining Ginny, Tonks and Hermione and making the twosome and threesome.....a what ever five people are together, Neville became a famous porn star and married Trevor, his toad.

**FIN**

_**OH**_.......and Dumbledore got a pet goldfish and called it fishy (who would later take over the world) and married a lampshade.

_**Finale**_

_OH_....and.......

_**"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!?!"**_

_**THE END**_

Really this time.

Or is it......??? Muhahahahahahahahahahahaha.......

...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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And That Is All Folks!....Muhahahaha!

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Hope you liked it, it was fun to write, 'specially the ending!


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